The Birds and the Bees
by Galahan
Summary: A young Aragorn gets 'the talk.' He then, of course, pulls a prank. Mithrandir gets stuck in the middle. Follows "The Dye Incident" but doesn't count as a sequel.
1. Part one

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Except for the plotbunny.

Archive: If you want it, you've got it. Just tell me where it's going.

A/N: Thanks to all of you who reviewed my last young Aragorn fic. You're the reason I wrote this one. Thanks also go to Megan, the typer. Any misspellings are her fault. 

Estel is what Aragorn was called when he was raised in the House of Elrond.

Mithrandir is what the elves called Gandalf.

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The Birds and the Bees

Estel carefully snuck along. The passageway to the kitchen should have been deserted right now, but Estel couldn't be sure. Besides elves slept lightly, and he was still in trouble from yesterday.  
Yesterday... That was the reason he was here in the first place. Elrond had caught him kissing the girl who sat in front of him in class. Therefore, he had been forced to endure "the talk." Estel found it slightly humorous that Elrond had insisted that Glorfindel explain the birds and the bees.  
The millennia old elf-lord had done the whole thing quite scientifically. Estel figured that Glorfindel was way to old to remember what it was actually like. However, Estel had never connected some of things Glorfindel told him, but now that he had figured things out, a prank was under way.  
Estel had now reached the kitchen. Years of midnight snacking had taught him how to get into the kitchen without making the door creak. He also knew his way around well enough to not need a lamp. He quickly grabbed a jar off a shelf, and returned to his room. The next morning, the chef noticed that a jar of cherry preserves was gone. He didn't think it was worth mentioning, and promptly forgot about the matter.  
A week later, at the Midsummer Day feast, Estel's plan came to fruitation. He had "borrowed" a copy of the seating plan and had realized that his very unliked teacher was getting a seat of honor at the head of the table. He was annoyed to realize that this put her right between him and Glorfindel, and on Estel's other side was some important elf from who-cared-where.   
So right before the feast was supposed to begin, Estel slipped in with his jar of cherry preserves. He then carefully spread the thick sauce part on the chair of his teacher. He made sure that it blended in with the pattern so no one would notice when they went to sit down. If his teacher shifted in her chair, the preserves would rub into the blush part of the fabric, probably producing a very blood-like appearance, and just to be safe he did this to a few other chairs.  
Estel slipped back to where he was supposed to be. The twins, Elladan and Elrohir, had been watching him, but they were easily distracted. Especially if someone made a bet with them regarding archery. Eventually, everyone important was gathered and those sitting at the high table processed in. Lord Elrond said a short blessing, and the feast began.   
Estel was worried when he saw that the seating arrangements had been changed slightly, but his teacher appeared to be in the place she was supposed to be, so he relaxed.  
After most people finished eating some of Rivendell's minstrels began playing. After a few moments, Estel's teacher got up to dance. Sure enough, she had large reddish stains on the back of her dress. Estel loudly asked, "Is that why she has been so grouchy lately, Glorfindel?"  
Poor Glorfindel turned bright red and buried his face in his hands. Elrond immediately stormed over to Estel, grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him off to the side. The elf-lord looked truly furious. Estel had never seen him this angry, especially not because of anything he had done. Elrond just glared at Estel for a moment, obviously struggling to control his anger. Then he started his tirade.  
"That was incredibly cruel of you, Estel. I am very ashamed of you! Every elf here knows that your teacher is barren. She doesn't have her courses anymore. She teaches because she has always wanted children of her own! You've just rubbed in the fact that she can't have children! Not to mention how stupid and cruel that prank was to begin with!"  
Elrond paused for a moment. Estel almost took a step back when he saw the cold look on the elf-lord's face. "You will return to the feast after you apologize to your teacher, and if you even blink wrong, you'll be sitting in your room for so long, you won't even remember what season it is!" Elrond then stormed back to the feast, leaving Estel to apologize on his own.  
Estel's teacher looked very upset. Estel couldn't tell if she was about to burst into tears or strangle him. He must have looked absolutely terrified, because she glared at Elrond for a moment, then gave Estel a somewhat reassuring smile.  
Estel managed to say, "I...I'm sorry. I wouldn't have played that prank if I knew that you...you know." Seeing the serious look on his teacher's face, Estel added, "I'm sorry. I really didn't know!" When she started to move towards him, Estel dived under the nearest table, which happened to be the high table. He scooted along underneath it carefully avoiding all of the feet and chairs. He stopped near the end right by what he guessed was Glorfindel's feet. Seeing what he assumed was a very dirty (it was gray after all) piece of tablecloth, he wiped his hands on it.  
When Estel heard his teacher telling Elrond that he had dived under the table, Estel practically clung to Glorfindel's legs. The elf-lord was usually willing to take his side. This time Glorfindel carefully dragged some of what Estel guessed was the very dirty tablecloth over to hide him. It was a good thing because Estel heard the tablecloth swish. Elrond was, in fact, looking under the table.  
Above the table, both Glorfindel and Mithrandir could see Estel. "Elrond," Mithrandir began, but Glorfindel quickly signaled for the wizard to be quiet. A muffled "What?" came from under the table. "Uh... perhaps Estel has hidden himself at the other end of the table," Mithrandir quickly fibbed. As soon as Elrond stood and stormed to the other end of the table, (thankfully on the opposite side of Mithrandir and Glorfindel) Estel darted back under the tablecloth next to Glorfindel's legs. 

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A/N: Part two will be up when I feel inspired enough. Reviews help this inspiration process. ;-}


	2. Part two

Disclaimer: Don't own anything except the plot.

Archive: You want it, you got it, just tell me where it's going.

Author's note: I'm assuming by now that everyone worth bothering with has already figured out who Estel and Mithrandir are? Good. Thanks go to Megan, the typist, and Hemsley, for causing the whole idea. 

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The Birds and the Bees, Part 2

When Elrond stalked back to Estel's end of the table, he looked furious. "Why must that idiot child insist upon playing foolish games at an important feast?" Glorfindel winced slightly. Estel would be in for it big time. The boy apparently realized this, for he squeezed Glorfindel's legs as tightly as he could. Mithrandir attempted to placate the Elven-lord by dragging him off to dance.  
However, when Mithrandir stood up, there were large, reddish stains on his butt. Yes, Mithrandir had managed to sit on one of the chairs with cherry preserves on it. Glorfindel couldn't restrain himself and burst out laughing. Mithrandir immediately whirled to see what Glorfindel was laughing at, giving the furious Elrond a very good view of the wizard's cherry preserve rear end. Elrond seemed to be counting to ten in some obscure language, especially after Glorfindel asked, "Is there something you haven't been telling us, Mithrandir?"  
Mithrandir then struggled to contain his fury. Glorfindel was probably the only one in Imladris who had the nerve to say something like that to the Istari. Dying once and coming back must do that to a person. Mithrandir instead decided to take his wrath out on poor Estel. Elrond must have also had that idea for at the same time, on opposite sides of the table, the two made a dive under the tablecloth.  
The loud THUNK was audible three tables away. The swearing coming from under the table was even louder. Glorfindel covered Estel's ears in a vain attempt to keep the child from learning any new swear words. It would seem that the elf and the wizard were grappling under the table, each believing that the other was Estel. After a large crowd had gathered around this end of the table and fifteen minutes had gone by, Elrond managed to drag Mithrandir out from under the table by the beard.  
Upon seeing that he had caught Mithrandir not Estel, Elrond shrugged to himself and shoved the wizard into the arms of one of the spectators. He then dove back under the table. This time, Estel was quite obvious cowering behind Glorfindel's legs. Elrond quickly snatched the boy by the ankle before he had a chance to escape. Estel however, latched onto Glorfindel's legs.  
When Elrond started to drag Estel out from under the table, Glorfindel was almost dragged under as well. Refusing to be yanked into the situation, the blonde grabbed onto his chair. When that started to flip over, he held onto the table legs. When he stopped sliding, Glorfindel relaxed a little. At that very instant, the table flipped over, landing on top of the elf-lord and anyone who happened to be still sitting nearby.  
Estel, however, let go of Glorfindel's legs when the table flipped over. Therefore, he and Elrond went flying backwards into the mob of spectators standing behind them. Most people hurried to distance themselves from the scene, realizing that two infuriated elf-lords and an irate wizard would be very bad. They were quite right, and Estel was stuck right in the middle.  
It was hard to say exactly who was the most furious, but anyway you put it, Estel was in trouble. He might have been kicked out of Imladris right then and there if it hadn't been for Elladan and Elrohir. They thought the whole thing was quite hilarious. That is they did until the entire room noticed that they too had suspicious spots on their rears. Then they were just as irate. However, Elrond seemed to find some humor in the situation (perhaps because he was quite clean compared to everyone around him.)  
The Lord of Imladris decided to spare Estel. The boy was cowering behind same random elf in the crowd. Then Elrond said, "Glorfindel, Mithrandir, go clean yourselves up. A bath and some clean clothes will likely do wonders for your dispositions." Turning to the twins he added, "The same goes for the two of you." After some protest, all of the dirty parties went to clean up leaving Estel with Elrond. The lord then instructed everyone to return to the feast.  
Elrond and Estel, however, went to have a little "chat." One the way out, many elves told Estel things like, "Farewell, Estel. We'll miss you!" or "Such a shame, we were fond of you Estel!" Elrond hurried him along though.  
In retrospect, Estel realized, that "chat" wasn't too bad. Elrond simply told him that he was going to have the twins, his teacher, Glorfindel, and Mithrandir each assign him a punishment. Over the next few weeks, Gilraen, Estel's mother, became very familiar with the feel of chalky, dried out hands, the sight of sword polish under fingernails, the sound of small yelps whenever a small cut from fletching arrows was brushed, and the smell of the herbs Mithrandir made the boy work with.  
Overall, Gilraen considered herself lucky to still have a son, until she got off a chair one day to find cherry preserves all over the back of her dress and all splattered across the wooden chair.  
  
The End. 

A/N: Come on, be nice and click that little button. Reviews are nice!


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